Steady now...

I'm trying to keep hold of everything. School is almost over and i'm trying not to have a panic attack every day.

I'm trying to not see the negative

I'm trying to stop crying so much at night about my future, career and school.
Everything is so unsteady.
I hate not knowing if i will get into the second year of my school or not.

I hate not knowing

I hate not being able to see a glimmer of something ahead of me.
Unsteady ground is not a good place for me to be. I start to go crazy...I think it's a control thing.

I have to keep reminding myself that I'm still a kid and I need to let myself just enjoy summer and have fun. But in my eyes I am a couple of years behind. I feel like I can't slow down. I wanted to start acting at at least 16 years old. I know I have to be patient and that this training will make me a stronger actor. I have to trust in "The Plan" Whatever the fuck that is.
In everyone else's eyes i'm on track. So maybe I am and I'm just too eager to get what I want. I just have to keep telling myself to breathe and to not be so hard on myself. But what people don't realize is that if i don't get this I wont be me anymore. No one seems to understand that. I wont be me. It's why I exist. People don't understand that this isn't just "a job" It's something that will complete me.

I just want it so badly. And when you want something so badly you can start to go crazy...